What it is Like to be “Psychotic”
Please click on “About Me – The Author of this Blog” to read the 1st part of my story.
So, after smoking a lot of weed and not sleeping for 3-4 days, I hit literal rock bottom. I lost my mind. I left reality as we know it and went to a place in my head that we are not supposed to go to.
Here is where the story gets good.
I was at one of my husband’s friends house who lived around the corner at the time and he was playing online poker. I had just took a bong hit and my mind started wandering. I started to think to myself that everything happens in our mind. If that was true, then I could make the right poker cards appear in my mind. I didn’t say a word and I just got up and left this guy’s house and went back to my house.
At that point, all hell breaks loose. I am not even aware that I am crazy. I am lucid enough to think (and remember everything), but my thoughts are out of this world. I started pacing back and forth and thoughts keep coming like bombs into my head. I can’t remember everything because the experience was quite intense and there was just too much to remember but here is what I do remember:
Before you continue to read this part – I am warning you that you are not going to believe what I am saying. Why would you? You don’t know me and people tell a lot of outrageous stories nowadays. In fact, that is the reason I don’t even describe this occurrence in the book I wrote or anywhere else……But if you ever plan to read anything that is in this blog, you have to believe that this truly did happen to me and it is the basis to everything that I think, write and speak.
A voice that sounded like my father’s was talking to me (in my head). He was telling me that he was proud of me and that I have done things that were very good in my life, but there were things that I needed to correct in myself. I needed to acquire patience and trust and then my life will begin.
This voice warned me that if I ever cheated on my current husband, I would die.
This voice told me that my current husband loves me very much and I have to trust him.
This voice told me that my vocabulary and communication skills need to improve.
This voice told me that nothing is real and everything is an illusion.
Again, there was so much going on in my head that I cannot remember solid facts about what was said but what I have mentioned above were themes that were not just said once, but multiple times over the course of the next 24-36 hours before I went to the hospital to be tranquilized.
I have no idea how much time elapsed before my husband walked in. When he walked in I was pacing back and forth and chattering. I am not sure what I was saying, but I do remember at one point I went to our television- an $1800 plasma (my husband’s only valuable possession) – and was trying to throw it off the stand because it was not real. I remember screaming that nothing is real everything is just an illusion. Then I peed in my pants.
My husband took me to the shower and tried to clean me up, but I was not cooperating. I remember that at this point the voice was trying to show me what kind of spiritual connection that my husband and I have and that I must treasure it. I remember trying to communicate this to my husband, but he wasn’t responding to what I was saying he was just trying to calm me down and clean me up. I think I also tried to ask him if he was G-d and if I was G-d and who was G-d and this just simply freaked him out.
I must have calmed down somewhat as the weed wore off and I remember that my husband was driving me someplace. I don’t remember where. He probably just wanted to get me some fresh air and some food to ease the effects of the weed. I remember that at this point I was more coherent but not completely back to reality. My husband told me that I was not allowed to smoke weed anymore and I had to get some sleep because what had happened scared him and he doesn’t want to ever experience anything like that again.
I didn’t smoke any more weed that night (or for a long time afterwards), but I was not completely back and I could not sleep so I stayed up writing down my thoughts. They were my thoughts this time and they were unintelligible. This was another night of no sleep. I had already been up a few nights (I am not truly aware of how long I stayed up straight) and in the morning I was a zombie. I remember that I made a few phone calls that morning to two friends that I had not spoken to for a long time to apologize for not calling and I called my parents and said some things to my father regarding my mother that I can’t share publicly.
I must have been maintaining some sort of control of myself because my husband said I should go to work. I think he wanted me to start focusing and work was what he thought was a good idea.
I got to my office and I tried to focus on my work. I simply couldn’t. At this point it must have been at least 3 days straight (minus a few hours in between) that I had been up. I was not focused at all. My mind was in a different world than planet earth.
I went into my bosses office and sat down and told him that I needed the money but I couldn’t continue doing the work that I am doing because I can’t concentrate on it anymore and it is not fare to take a paycheck for work that is not done optimally. I had at one time been the office manager of this firm, but because I cut my hours, my position changed to junior staff accountant. I filed personal and some simple corporate returns. However, it took concentration and mine was shot so I asked him if I could fill the position of receptionist instead (he happened to be looking for one at the time). I told him that I needed to free my mind in order to think and if I had to worry about tax returns, I was not able to think and filing and answering phones would allow my mind to be free while getting paid.
Yes, I told my boss this and as far as I was concerned at the time I was telling him this I was fully coherent. My boss didn’t know what to say and asked me if I was OK. He told me that if I needed to take a walk to get some air that I could. I said that I was fine and asked him again if he would consider my offer. He told me that he would think about it.
I went back to my desk and I just could not concentrate so I told my boss that I was going to take that walk. I went to the corner store and bought a bunch of lottery tickets. I still wasn’t aware that I was not here. I called my husband and I don’t even remember what I told him but he told me to take a car service home right away.
I got home and my husband and his friend were there. Soon after I got home the voice of my father came back and this time I became certifiably crazy.
I don’t even remember specifics because there was just so much activity but here are the basics:
The voice was asking me if I thought I knew everything.
The voice was telling me that I am nothing and cannot know everything.
The voice was asking me if I forgive my ex-husband
The voice was telling me that there has been signs throughout my life and I haven’t been able to notice because I was not paying attention.
The voice was telling me that there is a piece of G-d in all of us.
There were a few other things that I do remember but I cannot put it into words as it will sound way too ridiculous and impossible to believe.
My husband spent the day trying to get me to sleep. I am not sure why he didn’t rush me to the hospital, but according to him he though he could get me to sleep and he was afraid they would find out that I was smoking weed and take my children away.
The psychosis lasted the rest of the day into the next morning.
I could not eat anything. Everything tasted like metal – literally. It was the end of December and very cold out and I refused to wear anything but a T-shirt. I couldn’t read. I was in a state of mind that can be described no other way but out of the world we know.
My husband just kept trying to get me to sleep. I was able to lay down and be quiet, but what he didn’t realize from his perspective was that I was not sleeping – I was thinking…and thinking….and thinking…. Keep in mind that what was happening in my head, stayed in my head – most of the time. Besides the occasional questions about the reality of life, from an outside perspective, I might not have seemed as crazy as what was going on on the inside.
He definitely did not fully understand what was happening until the next morning when I was at the height of my psychosis. I was screaming that his friend wanted to kill me and that I needed to get to a hospital. I got to the hospital in a calm state, but I must have looked like a homeless person from off the streets. My husband told them that I had not slept for a few days and I am psychotic at this point. They tried to ascertain my level of psychosis I guess because I remember them trying to talk to me. All I remember telling them is that there is no one to trust in this world and I am going to fix that.
After that, they rushed me into a room, tied me to a hospital bed and tranquilized me immediately.
I slept 24 hours straight. When I woke up I felt strange. As if I was in a new life. Like I was getting a new beginning for myself. When I saw my husband – who was waiting all night in the lobby for me – his eyes were so red and he looked terrible. He hugged me like he was going to lose me if he let go. I understood the meaning of love at that moment.
Since then, I asked my ex to take let the kids live with him. He till this day doesn’t even know or care what happened to me. He knows that I went to the hospital and that I was “crazy”, but he thought I was crazy before so it meant nothing to him. He was happy to take the kids and they are doing OK today – but that is a different story.
I asked him to take the kids for obvious reasons but for one very important one as well – I needed to figure out my purpose. After an experience like that, you realize that the rat race is not purposeful. There must be more to life than just eking out a living to pay your bills, going to sleep and occasionally doing something exciting. You may say to me that the purpose is to accumulate wealth so that you can do something exciting more often. If this is you view of life, I promise you would not think that way if you had lived mine.
For the last 5 years, I have been researching concepts and philosophies about what “reality” is and perceptions of life from the point of view of different religions and spiritual masters. I have read a lot about history and science to try and fully understand the difference between facts vs. opinion and observation. I have learned that reality is quite subjective which means that your definition is correct and mine is too. I have learned that “reality” is exactly how you perceive it……and some people’s reality doesn’t make any sense, because it is based on a long list of lies.
No, we can’t know all there is to know about the world that we live in, but my perception and your perception together create another piece of the puzzle so that one day we can start a new puzzle. But, most importantly, we must throw out the pieces that don’t belong. Those pieces make the puzzle much harder to complete.
If you have read this entire post – thanks for listening. G-d Bless!