Reflections of Yourself in Everyone You See

22 Feb

I don’t if this bothers everybody else the way it bothers me….but, it drives me crazy when people complain about the behaviors of others and then proceed to behave in the exact same way they themselves have just complained about.

It doesn’t bother me that they do it, it bothers me that they can’t see that they do it.

I am not bothered by the fact that they do it, because we all do it….but, try pointing it out to someone and watch their defense mechanism go up like a security gate at Area 51.

I don’t even bother trying to point out other people’s denials to them (directly), but I do realize that if other people are in denial…..I am in denial as well.

What I am in denial about is hard to say because I am in denial about it.

But….one way I try to figure it out is by listening to what those that I trust tell me. My kids and my husband are the best sources for this purpose. My daughters do not mince words when it comes to telling me when I am a hypocrite. Sometimes, I do not agree with their conclusions, but instead of becoming defensive, I try to think about what they are saying and if there is any behavior that is questionably hypocritical, I apologize for 1) behaving in a manor in which I have verbally stated that I disapprove of….and 2) disapproving of the behavior in the first place.

If I am able act in ways that I think are “wrong”….they may not be so wrong….who am I to judge?

But….if I proclaim to not like people who lie and I lie…..I should really try to stop lying….and denial is a form of lying.

Both adjustments are necessary…..I cannot behave in ways that I don’t particularly admire and I can’t judge others that do (or “disapprove” of the behavior of other’s) because I have behaved “badly” in the past….and most likely will continue to do so in the future. After all, I am human.

Another way to keep a check and balance system over yourself is to silently observe others around you and in your own head analyze their behavior and decide if
1) This is behavior you see in yourself
2) This is behavior that you admire
3) This is behavior that you want to continue displaying

Do not, by any means, judge the behavior. What I have said above is not judging anything… is simply a way to evaluate yourself and possibly provide yourself an opportunity to evolve.

Behavior that you decide is not behavior that you want to emulate does not mean that it is behavior that should be eliminated from all of humanity. The behavior of humanity is not a decision for you to make. You can only worry about your own personal behavior.

I hate liars. I do not hang out with people that I know are liars. I do not talk to people who I know will just lie to me about everything. Liars are not in my life and do not have the opportunity to reflect themselves to me because I have rid myself of their presence.

On the other hand, liars have their place in this world (obviously) and I cannot tell another how to live their life.

Liars spend time with other liars and create a life of lies that they find pleasure in. I don’t get it…..but I can’t deny it.

If I am in denial about myself, I am, in essence, lying to myself…..and this is not behavior that I want to continue displaying.

Therefore, I must adjust my own behavior by accepting that I may be in denial about things that I am unaware of, however, I must be willing to listen to those that point my denial out to me so that I can change it within myself.

By cleaning myself out of denials…I am cleaning myself out of lies….which results living a life free of untruths….which, in my opinion, is behavior that I do not admire.

Let me sum all of this up in a few sentences:

We are all in denial about something.
What we are in denial about is something that we don’t want to see in ourselves – that is why we deny behaving certain ways.
We are subjected to reflections of ourselves in others daily, which results in us seeing behavior we do not like – that is in ourselves.
We can do one of three things:

1) We can deny that the behavior is part of ourselves and continue doing what ever we want all the while looking like fools for judging others for things that we do ourselves (i.e. I can hate liars and keep on lying to myself and when someone points it out to me I can become defensive and tell them they don’t know what they are talking about and then continue lying to myself…..and repeat this pattern over and over and over and….)

2) We can accept that we do behave in ways that we, ourselves, do not admire and decide to fxxx it and act whatever way we want and allow others around us to feel free to behave that way also….but, we will also have to accept the fact that we will constantly be bombarded with particular behavior that we may not necessarily enjoy or admire. (i.e. I may hate liars, but I lie a lot and don’t want to change so now I have to live in a world full of liars because honest people do not want to hang out with liars.)

3) We can accept that we do behave in ways that we, ourselves, do not admire and we can consider changing our ways so that we can be better people IN OUR OWN EYES. Once we change our own ways to emulate behavior that we find admirable, we can then choose to surround ourselves with others who reflect that behavior as well and create peace within our own world.

But remember one thing…..reflections of yourself are in everyone you see.

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6 responses to “Reflections of Yourself in Everyone You See

  1. Matthew Rosario

    February 23, 2012 at 12:29 pm

    There is a conceptual paradigm in psychology called “johari’s window” which sets up a visual understanding of what we know about ourselves, what others know about us, and most importantly, what we don’t know about ourselves. It’s an interesting concept, though sometimes frightening, to know that there are things about ourselves that we can’t see. In this way reflection and feedback becomes extraordinarily important as well as listening.

    • Peaceful Controversy

      February 23, 2012 at 2:55 pm

      Exactly. We all must realize that we don’t know everything there is to know about ourselves…and some of those things aren’t as pretty as we would like them to be..I am big reality television show fan (particularly Bravo Housewives) and the fact that they have to watch themselves and then discuss their behavior must be a real eye opener for these women. I think if we all had to do that we might be surprised at what we see.

  2. Linda

    February 23, 2012 at 5:05 pm

    Attach a video camera to a part of your body that is pointed towards yourself and you can find out much about yourself. We see others not ourselves.

    • Peaceful Controversy

      February 23, 2012 at 5:39 pm

      Of course that would be true, but unlikely that we would do that. What I was trying to point out in my post is that others display behavior that we may not be comfortable with and with a little introspection we may realize that the uncomfortable behaviors that others display are really our own behaviors that we are not comfortable with in ourselves.
      When you say that we see others and not ourselves, I would agree with you….but we must realize that we are not much different than others. We all commit the same indiscretions that everyone else does. The questions is are you OK with your own indiscretions?

      • Linda

        February 23, 2012 at 7:15 pm

        We all commit indescretions, I agree, but they are are pretty varied in their severity and consequence. You do not mention consequence for large indescretions but simply lump all indescretions together. There is a degree of how far one goes with their indescretions. Some steal, some murder, some rape, some lie and the person committing these things may claim they are indescretions; however just being okay with our own descretions does not work because some indescresions as described above are very harmful and some think it is okay to just murder someone they think is bad or for many other reasons or no reason at all. I think you lump too many things together, omit the entire picture and draw a blanket conclusion based upon your generalized view. Some people are ok with murder, which to them is an indescretion, since they are okay with it, and we really are pretty different from others. We have human similarities, yes it is true, but the degree of crossing line, (indescretions) varies greatly and just being ok with it isn’t good enough.

      • Peaceful Controversy

        February 23, 2012 at 7:42 pm

        First of all, thank you for taking the time to read my blog. You have commented in the past and I always appreciate readers that comment.
        With that being said, I am not sure that you fully understood my post.
        The point of my post is not to diminish our individual indiscretions. It is quite the opposite….to alert us that we all have them…big, small, medium, inconsequential, consequential, stupid, dangerous….you are right….the kind of indiscretion that it is is up to the perception of the individual.
        But…can you control another person’s problems?
        Can you – yourself – turn a murderer into a docile human being?
        Yes, you can report him to the appropriate authorities and he can face a jury of peers that will decide to convict him of murder….but will he no longer want to murder?
        Furthermore, again, you have missed the point of the post if you think that it was to compare ourselves to murderers and/or to fix other people’s problems.
        We can’t be bothered with fixing other people’s problems until we fix ALL of our own.
        And as for lumping everything together and omitting the big picture…maybe I don’t understand what you are trying to say.
        I am assuming you and, most likely everybody that is reading this blog, are not a murderers and you do not have association with murderers.
        If you or others do, then I guess the theory would hold the same truth, except for the fact that to not know you are a murderer without having to see yourself in the reflection of another murderer would not say too much about your character and I doubt my blog is going to help you much.
        So, in a nutshell….to try and respond to you while trying to stay within the theme of my post, I am not talking about other people’s issues….that is not what this post is about. I do not worry myself with other people’s indiscretions – whether they are big or small – it does not matter to me – BECAUSE I CANNOT CHANGE OTHER PEOPLE, THEREFORE, I DO NOT WORRY ABOUT WHAT THEY DO. But…I do worry about myself and my own indiscretions which, relative to murder, are small and to be able to pinpoint what they are I feel that paying attention to what you don’t like in another person aids me when I do some introspection as to whether or not I am happy with MY OWN behavior.
        Is just being OK good enough for me? NO
        Is just being OK good enough for someone else? I have no idea. I am not someone else and I cannot decide what someone else should do – even if they are a murderer.
        Again, thanks for commenting and even though it was a touch one to respond to I hope that I have explained my post a little more coherently for you.


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