What it Takes to Build a Marriage that Works

10 Feb

I ran into an interesting thought yesterday while perusing various blogs and reading lists….

“A woman needs to love her husband a little and understand him a lot..and a man needs to love his wife a lot and understand her a little..”

(You can read the rest of the post here: Boy Gets Fucked Throughout Life)

I thought about how true this statement is.

I can only judge based on my own relationship and I have no problem saying that in my case…this is very handy concept to understand and apply.  My husband figured it out early on that all he had to do to keep me loyal was pile on the unconditional love – despite the occasional “Crazy Triggers” (stole this term from a post called One Step Away from Crazy ).  He understood that he didn’t really have to understand me so well, because sometimes I don’t even understand my self that well, but that all he had to do was accept that I have my moments as a woman and keep on loving me.

Eventually, because he invested so much time into loving me, he eventually won my trust and then required me in return to understand him and his needs.

Which I was very willing to do in return for his love.

The only thing that I want to add to this thought is that the responsibility of establishing the quality of the relationship falls on the man.

In other words, since women must try to understand men in order to appreciate them and, thereby, respect them (which is ultimately what men want from us)…a men must first make sure that we trust them enough to try and understand them and respect them.

I love to compare modern day psychology to understandings from ancient text.  The creation story in Genesis gives us a hint that this dynamic exists when we think about the fact that Adam was created first and Eve was created for the benefit of Adam.

God created everything before Adam and then Adam was created to rule over the earth and all its inhabitants.  It also says that God created Adam in His image.

This concept has been a mystery since the beginning of time and much commentary has been written about this…..but I want to suggest another perspective.

I think when God created Adam in His Image, God wanted to create a being that could enjoy the feeling of giving.  Since God doesn’t have a physical “image”, the “image” that the Bible paints is that God is giving. It is a conceptual “image”.  Man became the physical form of that image.  Man is the giver.

But…..Man what did man receive in return.  God received the faith of man – or the respect of man’s understanding that there was Something higher than him (or more knowledgeable). The earth and it’s inhabitants could only receive love but these things could not give anything…namely respect…in return.

So God completed the creation of man with the creation of woman as a recipient of man’s love, but instead of not being able to reciprocate anything, women was given the potential to “respect” or have faith in man.

But the gift of women can only be realized if a man appreciates her and RESPECTS her enough to devote himself to loving her unconditionally.

In other words…..if a man wants to fortify a fulfilling relationship with a woman, first the man must provide true love.  True love sometimes hurts because it requires the person to never withhold from the other.  True love requires the person to be completely transparent about their feelings, good and bad. True love is love without denials and untruths…..and this may hurt the woman’s ego (ego=snake…..just a thought) occasionally resulting in setting off the woman’s “Crazy Trigger”.

But the man must keep loving that woman unconditionally (despite the feeling of frustration due to the woman’s lack of understanding of him and his truths exposed due to love).  By doing this, the man will eventually (after a long period of time) establish himself as someone that can be trusted – or – someone who is always concerned and in touch with  the woman’s deep needs and wants to fulfill them.  This is how a man builds a woman’s faith in him.

Please take one second and turn this concept above into an analogy of the relationship between God (in place of man) and man (in place of woman).

Now that man has established trust and then faith within woman, woman can now allow herself to submit to faith -or respect man completely and without fear.

Please take one second and turn this concept above into an analogy of the relationship between God (in place of man) and man (in place of woman).

Again, I may end up losing something in my attempt to translate my thoughts to paper….but I hope this made sense.

If not…..feel free to ask me to clarify myself.

Other posts you might like:

Life is full of controversy so here is a thought to live by:

Why is life unfair?
Because there’s never going to be a system that is fair to everyone.
Shannon Miller

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2 responses to “What it Takes to Build a Marriage that Works

  1. Mollie Player

    February 11, 2012 at 8:20 pm

    I think either partner can initiate this process. It’s amazing how much power there is in both love and understanding.

    • Peaceful Controversy

      February 11, 2012 at 11:56 pm

      I am sure that you are right, but I wanted to emphasize that men need to put a lot more care and consideration into women than they do. Nowadays, just like everything else, we want things to be perfect immediately and woman have a piece of them that is different than men. We tend to over analyze things and read into stuff a lot more….causing us to see things that may not be there (for instance, convincing ourselves that the man that we are with does not really love us). Therefore, if a man can simply understand that we just a need a lot of extra care and attention (instead of getting mad and frustrated because things are perfect immediately), he will help us overcome our natural tendency to not trust him.
      Again…this is a complicated subject and I am not so sure if I am expressing myself as good as I should. Yes, women and men both are responsible for every aspect of a relationship, but we each have natural gender behavior that cannot be seen as behavior that is not acceptable and must be changed. We must work together within our natural roles as men and women – instead of bashing the other gender for being a man or a woman.
      I hope this made sense….feel free to challenge my thoughts. I truly do appreciate hearing different perspectives!


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